Love and the April Fool

It's spring.

I know, not because of the weather, or the buds of the trees – but rather the topic of relationships. I've had more talks on subject in the last several weeks than I've had most the past year. It also seems, the more it's discussed the more I uncover my isolation as an uncompromising and hopeless romantic. So, while I should be writing a paper on the second Vatican council I will instead write a short treatise on relationships and how my brain works. (After which you can perhaps more properly judge my insanity)

I have been asked over and over why I've not dated, and I have been encouraged even more so to disregard my ideals and just date, kiss, make out with, or sleep with someone/anyone/just do it. The problem is that strikes me as terribly selfish, to get in a relationship or use someone because I merely want to fulfill some desire of mine is self-serving and objectifying of the other person. That they would, perhaps, be objectifying me as well is moot. Two wrongs don't make a right and so I can't use a relationship to service only my needs.

Instead I've been holding out and waiting for someone who I "like" and who "likes" me in return. Now, liking someone for me is a three-part deal – which is why I've liked so few people. First, they have to be my friend. I love and care deeply for my friends – some people make it to this point a lot quicker than others, and some people I just meet and it feels like I've always known them. Once you're my friend I'll do everything I can to be there for you, how much I'm there may fluctuate based on certain factors, but if I've counted you as a friend and you need me I'll go out of my way to be there. Second, is physical attraction – I know there's someone out there who's probably shocked that I'm not so high minded as to swear it off, but I think we all realize this is important in a relationship.

If that was it I would have a huge list of girls whom I could consider pursuing, the problem is the third element. Romantic attraction. It is the best and worst thing, it's that spark of enchantment – that ephemeral contact where my heart takes leave and rests with another. It's the shift where I am assured that my pursuit of the person will not be motivated by fulfilling something missing in my own life, but rather a selflessness that cares for them. There is neither pattern, nor reason to how it happens – and this is where I get stuck.

My heart is stupidly loyal. I'll make a few attempts; I'll show interest, pursue and then sit by the side and pine. We all know that rejection hurts (I read a study recently that rejection literally triggers the same brain functions as actual physical injury), but my mantra is selflessness, so while it is one possible outcome, me being in the relationship with the person is not my goal (and might not be the best for them). If I really care then I can be happy for them when they're happy, even if that excludes me (which it always has). But I'll hurt when they hurt – and I only really find myself moving on when I know they are in a place where they're happy.

This makes happiness seem like the ultimate goal of everything, which isn't really true. I think, more, what I mean is a feeling of wholeness and completeness. Happiness is a fleeting feeling, you're happy on a roller coaster and sad that it's over, but you can have a feeling of wholeness even when sad.

And perhaps that's even further reason why I've pursued so few relationships – I feel whole most the time. I have purpose in following and pursuing a God who loved me first, and has allowed me to be surrounded by family and friends who love me as well. It takes someone special to spin me around and make me question that wholeness, and every time it happens I'm both awestruck and grateful. I am reminded of God's selfless love for me, my own shortcomings, and I see a glimpse of what I might one day have.


"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Cor 13:4-13)

All that said, I wish this sort of love and wholeness for each of you. And I know, I'll probably royally screw things up the first time I date someone. C'est la vie.
"The greatest thing, you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return"